Silver Surfer: I herald his beginning. I herald your e-oh come on man!!! You always have to ruin the intro like that. Fucking juvenile…

repeatedly smacks face into phone screen

This is art.

What if I take large chunks out of the middle, cob and all, while shouting, “Stop selling my data to INTERPOL!”

As this is quoted from NWA’s song, “Fuck da Police,” you may wish to take up your exception to Ice Cube and MC Ren, who may or may not choose to take the matter under advisement.

I like to imagine that the pegs are coming out of the floor and I’m watching this from above.

Lame

I hear this in Steven Wright’s voice.

Where is this? Can I go there? What does it cost? How much time do you get? Can I hit as many people as I want? Can I hear them scream? Do they feel actual pain? Can someone just let me borrow their truck for the day?

You got 15 seconds to produce an orange dreamsicle before I lob this grenade into your goddamn truck you heretic.

Well you haven’t been doing a very good job now have you? Can’t even count how many forest fires I’ve seen and said to myself, goddamn CrawlerNumber1994 failed us again.

Teenage

I’m so primed to look for loss memes anymore that I’m actually kinda disappointed.

Grampy Rabbit is my spirit animal.

You guys know how hard it is to get that many cats to sit still for a painting?

MY MOMMY SAID THE FLOOR MAKES FAT PEOPLE STICK TOGETHER!!

Doesn’t matter. This old fart remembers the completely worthless sigh of relief we all breathed when Jessie Helms died, and how that didn’t matter one goddamn bit and how things have gotten progressively worse regardless.

There will always be some right wing stick in the mud permanently wedged in the senate representing the turgid bigoted shitbags among us. The more things change, the more they stay the same.

You did this to yourself