Mayonnaise was gone before I even had time to react!

I was the victim of a drive-by ketchupping.

Deer hate you and are trying to kill you.

I am waiting for Country to finally throw off this hick ass pseudo-nationalistic redneck caricature bullshit clown suit and get back to its roots as a genre that tells hard stories about real life.

Cat: “You serve me. Do I make myself clear?”

Oh mine is very simple and not much to ask at all: I just want pure, unlimited, godlike omnipotence.

I promise to use it in every irresponsible way imaginable.

I like this place because it’s a work in progress and because of all its perceived imperfections.

I’m an old GenXer who remembers AOL chat rooms and Usenet. Each featured a small cluster of folks you’d talk with each day and thought of as friends. Reddit offered that kind of connection once, but now it’s become a monolith that believes its own hype. Not to mention the infestation of bots and trolls that no one cares enough to do anything about because engagement is engagement.

I’m new here so I’m still learning my way around but I like this way better. I have more control over what and who I see, the memes are fresher, and the communities feel more human.

Wife: “You’ve been in that shower for almost three hours! The fuck are you doing in there!?!”

This guy: “Nuttin’”

“Guys we need to have these textbook illustrations in by the 30th”

“Just let the intern do it. He seems eager.”

The hex bug doesn’t stand a chance and it knows it. It’s already trying to find the exit.

We can pay them in memes.

I’ll take a slightly different angle.

Assuming that my new homeworld is inherently aggressive and conquest-oriented, a make the case to spare Earth for the time being. Instead, begin a program of infiltrating and integrating into human societies with the goal of influencing technical and social advancement to make them as aggressive and warlike as us. It would not be difficult to do given humanity’s natural proclivities. When the time is right, introduce ourselves, form an alliance, and use them as front-line cannon fodder for future conquests.

I would dress up as a piece of paper on which is written the official Webster definition of “less.”

Or just go naked. Either works.

Sure was a lot of spare track in that little box. 😂

deleted by creator

Slowly dehydrating and shrinking over time while sitting listlessly in the cold…

…laughed at and mocked by passers by…

…eventually to have your aged, mutilated carcass dragged into the street and mercilessly consumed by the neighborhood deer…

Something I learned a long time ago: I should never, no matter the circumstances, be trusted with large sums of money.

I once came into a substantial amount of money via an insurance settlement. Did I invest it? Pay off debts? Create a rainy day fund? HA! Gambling, drugs, hookers, drugs for the hookers…I lived like Caligula for almost two years. Debauchery was my middle name. And if I ever came into money like that again, I’d do the exact same thing, because it was fucking awesome!

That’s a weird way to describe the Chinese government.

This little thing of people getting Illuminati invites is giving me an idea for a movie…

So in my movie, a group of dudes decide to start calling themselves The Illuminati, just for the fuck of it. It’s just a name after all, and they don’t really do anything but get together and drink or fish or just do dude stuff. They make a little Facebook page for their Illuminati group that’s just pictures of them having fun.

But then they start getting contacted by world governments asking them to do like really high level stuff. Like, one country wants them to engineer a famine in a rival country, another needs them to help them cover up a UFO crash near a small town. Any they don’t know how to do any of this shit. James is an electrician. Edward teaches eighth grade Spanish. The hell do they know about being a shadow government? So now, they have to figure out how to do all this stuff while still making it look like they’re just some happy weed smoking dudes who like to hang out and have fun together.