TouchMacaque

Back home they used to call him the bitch with the boner sized tits but now that he’s head of the FBI he gets to call himself cash money. One day he’ll go back to his old name and everyone will know him for the little wanker he is.

I heard they’re making a George of the jungle reboot about him, I’d hoped his legacy would be forgotten, but alas here we are

My grandpa’s great grandma’s first boyfriend was one of the first bird pornographers to settle in North America. No one really liked his work all that much and eventually he was executed under some kind of bird law about obscenity. They had several thousand different kinds of birds flown in from all over the world to peck him apart without thinking about the consequences of introducing a bunch of invasive species and now all those goddamn starlings are fucking up my garden. Thanks George, you piece of shit bird pornographer, I’ll never be able to grow tomatoes because of you.

Cruelty free pee is pee that didn’t burn when it came out. It’s so cruel that God does this to me.

The only thing missing from this is the quest for a cruelty free pee, that seems to take up most of our lives these days.

I tried their coleslaw, it put cummies in my tummy. I then went to some kind of human poultry farm for some eggs and ate those so that the coleslaw could fertilize it. I gave birth to an adorable abomination of a plate of chewed up fish and chips right into my toilet a few hours later. My roommate says I just puked but I know what I ate, that’s how babies are made.

James my local fishmonger told me he jacked off one time but he didn’t like it so he never did it again. Guy fucks all the fish though, I told him that’s just jacking off with extra steps but he’s in denial. A true nofap kind of guy you know?

They put a data center in my pussy in 1979 but the whole thing was bigger than me so they had to shred me up into a sludge and coat it with me. You ladies these days have it easy, data centers are much smaller now.

SILENT ALARM ACTIVATED

But if you don’t feed me how else will I gain dopamine points to redeem at the antidepression store?

I don’t have a car

My neighbour’s mechanic used to put notes in my car every time he’d work on it and it was pretty annoying since he isn’t even my mechanic, but recently he left me a note about how RFK Jr has plans to patent a new type of all natural smartphone called the worm phone. So thank God cities are doing this for the birds, we’re going to need them if we’re ever going to destroy the worms.

Is my age showing or am I just too young to be on the Internet

They would probably stop shooting themselves if their Bananadine and Jenkem habits didn’t cost them like a million bucks an hour, thanks liberals

Hell there’s even a market for market based smut where craft markets are having anal sex with farmers markets while simultaneously having illicit affairs with stock markets. Everyone needs a little lovin’.

He’s upset because everyone made the wrong assumption, it’s actually a story about a sentient staff that gets revenge for being used as a sounding rod for 30 years.

This is my aunt’s daughter’s cousin(my sister) with mango black bean paste on cinnamon raisin bagels. She’s been eating it every day for every meal since she became autistic at age 42. I told her it’s not healthy but she tells me to fuck off every time. We had her over for Christmas dinner and I stuffed the turkey full of bagels hoping she would actually eat but she just screamed at me that I was an inconsiderate dumb man. I’m not even a man so I don’t understand, does she know something I don’t? She was born 9 years before me so maybe she knows all of our family’s secrets and that’s why she only eats mango black bean paste bagels.

I’ve made it my life’s work to investigate this but I haven’t gotten anywhere, if anyone can help me discover the truth I’ll give you six cents and a pocket full of lint as compensation.

My local brothel serves eggs bonerdicked for breakfast on Sundays before church and I’ve been requesting corn for months now but they never put it on the menu, it’s distressing

I bet he didn’t even use Margaret Thatcher’s Boner Smasher.

My Canadian neighbour’s uncle patented a new fleshlight model the other day called the “Margaret Thatcher’s Boner Smasher”. It’s made of 100% iron and will wreck your junk but everyone seems to love it for some reason. I haven’t tried it yet but I’ll probably borrow my great grandpa’s in a few weeks when he’s done with it. Those crazy Canucks are always patenting strange products, like cigarette toast crunch and maple semengarettes (man those Canadians sure love cigarettes). If I hadn’t been born there I’d love to go visit someday.