I’m 15 weeks and 1 day pregnant today. I’m also young (18), so this wasn’t planned or expected. When my boyfriend’s parents found out, they asked for a paternity test. On my parents’ advice, I agreed to it. Even though I have nothing to hide, it still felt humiliating.
Because society has decided that we need to shame women for everything they do. Particularly as related to sex.
On the one hand, a paternity test is pretty reasonable, especially at a young age where it can have massive implications.
On the other hand, they are often weaponised to use as accusatory slut-shaming.
The only thing you did wrong was maybe not being careful enough, but God knows we’ve all been there, and it’s always possible even if you are very careful.
Best of luck and most importantly, keep your head high.
If there’s families and non-independent kids involved, a paternity test is just a way to set tje record straight, depending on how it’s handled, there could be no judgement. Remember that you know the truth, but others don’t, and you can always be sure of who is the mother, but not the father, and this is biological.
It doesn’t have to be about shaming. You obviously know who the mother is but the father isnt definitive until a test and with such a serious situation it’s always good to be certain.
No-one is saying that this particular request is intended to be shaming. The issue is that regardless of the intention, OP feels humiliated.
The question was
Why do paternity tests feel like such an inherent accusation of low character?
The answer is that instead of society normalising it as a rational request, it’s often used as a weapon against women. Sucks for both parties honestly. It would be better for everyone if a paternity test was a legal requirement to add a man to any birth certificate.
Don’t take offense to it. It’s just due diligence like getting a home inspector before you commit to a mortgage.
For heavy duty long term commitment to something like raising a child, “Just trust me bro” doesn’t quite meet the gravity of the situation and moreso when there isn’t already a formalized relationship like a marriage.
Also, get the fucking home inspection. Don’t ask me how I know.
This is me NOT asking how you know, hoping you’ll tell an interesting story anyway.
Due Diligence is exactly it. First time my GF told me she was pregnant, I wanted to do the lightweight version of at least asking the question just to make sure the situation wasn’t THAT complex. I summoned language diplomatic enough for Netanyahu to raise a palestinian flag and asked her, just for the record, to explicitly state that I was the father, doing my best to not make it sound like an accusation. Luckily she found it funny.
This is the answer.
Getting the inspector to take a look isn’t an accusation, it’s just to confirm that everything is as it seems.
If the test came back with unexpected results, it would imply that you were cheating on your BF (assuming it’s a monogamous relationship) and hiding it, therefore, being dishonest. So in a way, the request for a test can be considered accusing you of cheating and lying. So I can see why it would feel insulting and humiliating.
Looking at it from your BF’s parent’s perspective, even if they think you are the most amazing and honest ray of sunshine, it’s their responsibility to look out for their son. And life teaches us that people who seem wonderful can sometimes surprise us and even the most solid relationships can fall apart. 18 years of child support is a lot of money ( $100k+?). Maybe you will have a long and happy marriage or whatever but they have to consider the possibility. So before their son potentially signs up for a $100k+ commitment, I can see why they would want to trust but verify.
Regardless, it isn’t reasonable to expect 18 years olds to be abstinent. Accidents happen all the time and probably account for like half the human population. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Hopefully, you and your BF can move forward with solid love and support from both of your parents. Good luck!
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There is nothing to feel ashamed about. Ultimately it boils down to who has financial responsibility for the child, it’s not a moral judgement.
In the end, both you and the child will be better off for having it done.
Removing doubt will defuse so many future arguments. I definitely see how being asked for a paternity test could hurt but it’s a temporary hurt. Uncertainty could cause long-term hurt and damage any chance of relationships developing in a positive way.
As others have said, it’s a pretty reasonable request by his parents, they need to protect their kid. Doesn’t mean it can’t feel humiliating.
On the positive side, you avoided decades of little remarks (definitely meant as jokes) about how he might not be the father from his parents.
Also, if you ever need to go to court, you already have proof it’s truly his kid.
So, I’m not saying it doesn’t suck and doesn’t feel humiliating, just trying to provide a few positive things to try focusing on.
My wife and I are getting a paternity and maternity test on our kid, we enquired about it but in utero it’s dangerous.
Not because I don’t trust her and we’re pretty sure she’s the mother but because it is an IVF baby and in Australia there have been a few mix ups over the last few years.
Even without IVF, interesting things have happened… Chimera syndrome is FASCINATING.
https://embryo.asu.edu/pages/case-lydia-fairchild-and-her-chimerism-2002
Sadly i know very many stories were the girl lied who father is. Sometimes malicious, just knows real father/father family is bad news, sometimes like on Murray doesn’t know and picked one. Male side can never be certain and no one wants hidden reservations lingering. This destroyes marriages. Also, even if you said no They’ll just get it done in secret after baby is born to put concerns to rest.
This is not a reflection on you as a person in fact take this as an opportunity to show how confident you are in the truth and be amicable but have them pay directly the test. Keep in mind they probably will be a factor in your life moving forward so choose words/actions carefully. think of it like a certification to get everyone on the same page to support you.
My mom went through the same thing at 17 best of luck on the road ahead.
I do unterstand your feelings, the question implies that you Were involved with someone else than your boyfriend and its not nice to think about that in your situation especially since hormons make us more emotional during pregnancy (at least me).
As most people stated here already it is however a valid concern of your boyfriends parents. Cheating is very common, more common than I would have thought at 18! Doesn’t mean you’re a bad person.
Anyways I wanted to add a different perspective. The one of your child. If you don’t do the test, but your bf family has a tiny bit of doubt it might be that at some point in your child’s life it might hear about that doubt / just suspect it from behavior. And that can do unbelievable harm to a child. So its better to have that proof and then everyone can be happy about the new family member.
It is. And good protection on their part. Kids cost a lot of time and money. you will both have a hard time going to college which is almost required for a good life now. It isn’t impossible, but life will be very different for you both. there is help for young families, so things are not hopeless for you, but time other kids your age spend partying is time you will spend either raising the kid or studying - because raising the kid happened when the others were studying. Assuming you go to college - many will not and and that costs your future-
If he isn’t the father - and plenty of girls have lied about this - then he gets a much better life since he doesn’t have responsibility forced on him. Thus good protection on their part.
(50+ years old married dude speaking from France, just so you know)
I don’t know if this can help you feel better about that test but if I was your boyfriend’s father I can assure it would not be about you specifically. Not at all. I mean, as much I can observe what’s going on with young (and with not so young) people around us and even more so on social media, there is a lot of… let’s just say there is a lot of lying everywhere (and no, I’m not blaming girls specifically as it takes two people to make love). So, just to be 100% sure, I would suggest my boy to have that test done it would not matter how much I may already appreciate you as a person and as his girlfriend, there is just too much at stake. I would suggest him to have that test done but I would also respect his decision to ask for it or to not to ask for it.
Wishing you the best, if doesn’t sound too bizarre coming from a complete stranger ;)
Because they are. The fact that there’s nothing for you to hide it’s what’s making it feel like that because your boyfriends parents don’t (want to) believe you.
All the best for you and your pregnancy! Meanwhile you can use the time and think of extra petty ways to send them the test results (e.g. frame them, make a reveal party, …).
While pettiness sounds awesome here, I’d argue against it. She may need to deal with these people for 18 years or more, depending on how the situation proceeds. Being petty now could lead to long-term animosity that is unneeded.
I say give them the paternity test, see how they react, then get petty if they continue being shitty.
So you are saying no one ever lies about cheating?
No one has ever been told to pay child support for a kid that isn’t theirs?
There is no reason to be petty. This is just parents looking out for their son. 18 years of child support is a ton of money, and that’s if the kid is healthy. If there is medical issues the amount jumps significantly if you are in the US.
Paternity tests should be automatic on all new borns.
So you are saying no one ever lies about cheating?
I didn’t. That’s just not the point here. It’s about OPs point of view who came here as a not cheating person to talk about their feelings because their partners parents feel like OP may have cheated.
No matter the reasoning of the parents, that they assume OP may have done this is a totally understandable reason for OP to feel how they feel.
It’s not like you can go to work, trip and fall and get pregnant from that. So asking for this kind of test always comes with a lack of trust.
You take OPs words as the truth, no one has ever lied or bent the truth on the internet!
Not that I’m saying they are lying but you never know. The test will clear up any uncertainty and OP shouldn’t feel any shame about it
There’s no sense in answering these kind of questions in bad faith.
If you empathise with the other side of the equation, it feels… understandable, right? And that might mute the negative feelings a bit. I mean, you know you’re your child’s mother while the dad just had to take it on trust up until recently, so wouldn’t you also want to be sure if you can, especially if you’re more on the anxious, “worst case scenario is the more plausible scenario!” side? It might have less to do with you and more to do with people’s inner fears, right?
Obviously, being asked to perform a paternity test is an implication of low character.
However, I suspect that in the near future, DNA tests will be done as a matter of course to test the baby for genetic diseases, and as a result, the paternity will also be known from the same test.
It seems a little dystopian, but we are already in that dystopia, and people simply don’t know it. That’s because of familial DNA testing. Even if you never get your DNA tested, as long as some of your descendants get tested, the paternity will be known. Everybody should already assume that children of affairs being born today will be exposed during the mother’s lifetime.
So, the good thing about this dystopia is that there will be some point where specific paternity tests will not be a thing, and all of these type of accusations of low character will go away. Small comfort for somebody who is going through this right now, though.
I suspect that in the near future, DNA tests will be done as a matter of course to test the baby for genetic diseases
This is pretty much the standard for IVF. You might be able to waive it, but it’s standard process to test for chromosomal abnormalities before implantation. You can extend that to test for other markers if you have money to burn.
Hopefully it becomes affordable and standard across the board.
I would be wondering if the grandpa is really a grandpa, maybe he should provide paternity test first.
Oh, I like this.
When I was in my early twenties, I thought paternity tests were something reasonable that maybe everyone should do, just to avoid possible problems in some cases.
I have to tell you, now I have kids and did no paternity tests. My wife and I love each other immensely, we wanted kids, we tried until we got them. It would be insulting to suggest a paternity test on that situation.
