Trying to get some input for someone else. Was thinking of upskilling, finding a group, developing a hobby, guided activities. Any ideas?
Turned alcoholic
Edit: not even kidding, shit fixed my awkwardness.
In 10th grade, my best friend moved away and I realized I had very few friends left. I had spent middle school considering myself part of the “social outcast” group that didn’t really fit into any of the cliques. What I did was find the lunch table that other students I shared classes with and sat there listening to them talk. Sometimes all the seats were full and I sat at a different table, but eventually as I got to understand the people and dynamics at play I started chiming in a little more until eventually I was part of the friend group.
From there I felt more comfortable talking to more people, so I did until eventually in senior year there were folks saying hi to me while walking down the hall pretty frequently, I knew most people in my graduating class of 350 to some degree, and for some reason I was voted prom king.
I had the benefit of being in the same school district from grades 1-12 so I had had most of my life to that point to learn names, but my core advice remains the same. I became less awkward (or at least good enough at owning being awkward to not matter) by befriending new people, and I befriended new people by inserting myself into a friend group over time, and I did that by just being present and quiet until I felt comfortable enough to speak up more.
I developed a secondary extrovert personality and used it in social occasions. Used it enough that it comes naturally now.
I copied a lot of behavior from other people, how to trigger the right dialogue tree, etc.
Unironically, season 1 of Dexter was a big help in jumpstarting it. Bringing baked goods is still my #1 strategy of getting on someone’s good side, especially at work haha
Find equally awkward friends.
I read some of the stoics and then did a shit tonne of therapy.
I had someone tell it to me straight - that the reason I was getting side-eyes and laughter behind my back and why girls wanted nothing to do with me was because I was an awkward dweeb.
At first it kind of hurt my feelings, but it kind of woke me up to the reality of the situation and I began to not only notice how other people saw me, but I started examining myself and my own actions in a more critical light.
Most of the time it was me behaving inappropriately in the given situation. Everyone else walking to their next class? There’s me Naruto running down the hall. You get the idea.
I had to learn to identify the behaviors that people were critical of or found off-putting, and learn the appropriate behavior to emulate. Eventually, after I learned the correct response to any particular social situation, it was less about knowledge and more about confidence. I was lucky to make some well-adjusted and confident friends in high school who helped me learn what it was all about. I didn’t fret about talking to random people anymore, I could carry on a normal conversation for at least five minutes, I developed “normal” hobbies and interests (but crucially I kept my old ones as well, they were just not the first things I would lead with when talking to people), and in general I just mellowed out a little and developed the skill to be able to read a room and know how to deal with certain people.
tl;dr - someone talked to me and told me I was an awkward kid, but they also did their best to help me identify and fix the things that made me weird and unlikable.
This is a good take. Thanks! I think he needs a good grounding in that he gets ultra defensive that everyone else is the problem. Will have a think about how to go about it.
So you learned masking…In a way, it’s sad. I hope you have persons in your life with whom you can be truly yourself.
Not really, although I can see how what I wrote might come off as that.
Learning how to interact socially with other people isn’t masking. It’s a practiced skill just like anything else. For some people, it comes quite naturally. For others, like myself, it was challenging. I’m happier now because I fit in better with others socially.
I do not believe in the idea that aspects of one’s personality are immutable and unchangeable. I think that most people would look back on themselves as a young adult and see an entirely different person that who they are now. The same is true for me.
I didn’t. I’m still awkward. But that hasn’t stopped me from living my life.
You get older and stop caring all the time what people think and it starts to get easier.
My first stepping stone was when nobody in my group wanted to ask for napkins when we were out eating. Which is silly, so I stepped up and ask for it because my mouth and fingers are messy. Ok the other thing is we were in a foreign country and our mastery of the language wasn’t great and everyone was shy.
That’s when I realize that random people thinking of me like some kind of weirdo doesn’t matter because it’s almost guaranteed I will never meet them again.
If I need to integrate with a group sooner or later, that’s when I lurk and just sit in with a few people, listen and add in anything
I realize that last part is hard for a lot of people and I really don’t have anything I can offer how to overcome the awkward feeling but I believe you can do it.
It’s very true, though. I think we all deep down want to say the right things or be the star of the show, but sometimes we learn much more just by sitting, observing and waiting to say something that adds to the conversation, instead of just talking about nothing.
We’re social primates. Caring what other people think is hardcoded into us, and it’s not something you can just choose to stop caring about.
As people get older they just get better at tolerating that uncomfortable feeling and accepting that you can’t please everyone. It’s not that people like that don’t care - they do - they just do it anyway. Caring isn’t the issue, but when it starts affecting your behavior it might become one.
That’s not quite true. It is also built into us to not care about certain people. While what you say is true about our in-group, it’s not true about the out-group. So what you can actually do is mentally identify certain people as not belonging to your group, and then you can actually not care about what they think.
Throughout most of human history, the only people you even knew about were those in your tribe and your neighboring tribe. Whether they were friends or enemies, you still very much cared what they thought about you.
The fact that we now have people in our lives we don’t need to care about is a modern luxury that our evolution hasn’t caught up with.
I stand behind everything I said: we care, and when we think we don’t care is when we especially care.
Research disagrees with you, humans are very much capable of not caring about certain people. Also, I’m glad you never had to experience what people truly not caring is like.
I’d like to see that research if you wouldn’t mind linking it.
There are a lot of these kind of studies about empathy. I didn’t find any particularly about “what this other person thinks of me” (I don’t know if there is a specific name for this that would be easier to search), but I think the logical leap from “being able to disable empathy for other people” to “not care what those people think about you” is not really disputable. Though of course it might not be quite the same thing, I think when you can disable empathy for someone, you can also pretty easily disable to care about what they think of you.
Well, I think those are two different things. Empathy is about feeling or understanding someone else’s emotions. Being able to dial that down (like a surgeon or soldier does) doesn’t mean you stop caring what people think of you. Psychopaths are a good example - very low empathy, but often highly attuned to social perception because it helps them manipulate others.
Throughout most of human history, the only people you even knew about were those in your tribe and your neighboring tribe. Whether they were friends or enemies, you still very much cared what they thought about you.
This sounds like some anthropology shower thought I’m not sure I’d hang a theory on.
That’s a very easy way to dismiss an idea without actually engaging with it. Could you explain what specifically you think is wrong with it, or offer a better alternative explanation? Otherwise it just comes across as ‘I don’t like the sound of this.’
It’s really overly simple and makes a lot of assumptions. We only knew people in our immediate area ergo empathy is part of our hardcoded biology. Is there any research backing it up?
Five-Year Olds, but Not Chimpanzees, Attempt to Manage Their Reputations, Jan Engelmann, 2012
Reputation and Socio-Ecology in Humans, Angelo Romano, 2021
Nobody’s watching? Subtle cues affect generosity in, Haley, Fessler, 2005
I can link you more after you’re done with these. It’s a highly studied subject and I’m sure you could’ve just googled all this by yourself too.
I stopped being an awkward teen by simply getting older and becoming an awkward adult.
Fake it till you make it. I realized everyone is very busy thinking of how they come across, so likely what I worry about isn’t that important anyways.
I’ve gone up and down throughout my life, and these days I am quite an awkward individual in person.
However, what worked for me in my early 20s when I was probably at my most sociable was finding a hobby to interact with people in. Even something as simple as a monthly book group can work wonders on your social skills
From your perspective, is it easier to let them figure it out, or for me to try to participate also, then ease up when they find some momentum?
I think it has to depend on a person by person basis. For example, I have to be left for me to figure it out, if anyone else tries to get involved then I guarantee I will be burnt out after a day and then just give up for a while.
Others may benefit from the help and guidance, but not all of us unfortunately 😔
Yup. Im like you in that regard.
Got drunk and made a fool of myself a lot, but learned from mistakes.
I was at a party with my parents one day celebrating our national day. I decided right there that I was going to talk to someone and I started up a conversation with an old gentleman which I was able to carry for a good long time. From then on, every time I was at a social event with people I didn’t know, I talked to at least one person.
Then when I was able to drink, I’d stop in at a bar and strike up conversation with random people. Alcohol helped a lot.
Alcohol is the Great Social Lubricant. There a lots of activities that allow for some responsible drinking while having fun with friends or new people, like student associations, sport teams, Renaissance fairs, concerts, house parties, etc. Just get a drink and go talk to people. You’ll probably do some stupid stuff as well, but at least that makes for good stories.
Get a job where you deal with the public.
You’ll get paid and you will learn quickly.
