01:15 (AM that is, but using 24 hour time format doesn’t need AM/PM) here… zero sleep, listening to a bunch of depression music… :/
Living with family (family of origin, that is) but half of my family members are away… especialy mom…
You only learn to appreciate someone¹ once they’re gone… this time for 30 days… one day its gonna be forever… 🥺 (¹mom that is, Idk how to feel about older brother, still haven’t fixed the broken relationship since those series of fights about 7-9 years ago… )
Mom’s so busy with my brother’s marriage plans, haven’t have much time to talk to me. Idk what to even say on the phone… I just wanna hear her voice… I kinda have a panic attach if i don’t hear her voice or if she takes too long to respond…
I’m just feeling very suicidal rn
Close. I keep doing physical activity and going for walks or kayaking after the “I’m sick of this” days, which shoots me back up to positivity again and I feel stupid for neglecting myself.
Then I neglect myself again, lol…
Get lazy, focus on easily avoidable bad things, don’t pursue good things enough, spend too much time on my ass triggering dopamine instead of the endorphins and serotonin my mind is actually desperately craving. Then the bad sleep habits start, it snowballs. A few weeks later I’m wondering how I got here again like it’s some sort of surprise.